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cos there's nothing else that i do well

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(no subject) [May. 1st, 2010|02:32 am]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
Its weird to look back on my life in highschool and realize how much as changed while so little has. Im graduating from college in may, I stayed in scranton, and I feel exactly how i did in highschool. Still gots the ishes going on, even though i have more of a reason for them now (thanks freshman 15 that never came off). but now, i have no life plan, no idea where im going, no romantic attachments, im driving myself insane, but i can honestly say ive never been happier. i found god in college, and it has so totally changed me. i still struggle, all the time, but im happy cause i know im following gods plan. its weird. its late, and i want to get to bed, but i will update again.
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(no subject) [Nov. 25th, 2007|02:12 am]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
so its been almost a year...i dont think anyone reads this anymore, but who knows...maybe if i write in this thing ill actually remember college..
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(no subject) [Nov. 19th, 2006|10:08 pm]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
[Current Location |hell on earth, aka scranton PA]
[fromthe heart |angrypissed as all hell]
[from the headphones |the killers]

i dont know why my life is so scrwed up i hate college. i absolutley freaking hate it. i loved it, it was awesome. i love ceratin aspects of it. buti must have a tendency to get screwed over a lot because nothing else seems to be happening. so now im going to vent about wha tis bothereing me the most at the moment. i really really really liked this kid named mike cosgrove, and things were going decently well between us, but neither of us were really sure if we wanted to date. juli is my best friend up at scranton. we mesh really well despit not having the same set of beliefs, which is really odd. juli had a really big crush on bryan for a while, and then it fizzled when we ewnt on retreat and she started to like greg jones because her and bryan had talked over a month before that and he told her he did not want a relationship. well, about twoish weeks ago on thursday night, me mike and bryan were standing on s astreet corner by a popular poizza place, city slice, collecting money for the thanksgiving food drive. somehow it came up thati hadnt yet kissed a guy up at scranton. they told me i had until 2am to do so. then bryan said that he would make out with me. mike said he ouwldnt, they bantered back and forth. then bryan kissed me. no tongue or anything a quick few second long kiss. juli walked up behind she freaked out. then she went on a walk with mike where he explained everything. she said it would make her feel better if they kissed, but yet she didnt kiss him. i wasw texting her almost asap cuase i felt horrilbe. we got beyond it tohugh because bryan and i both only see the other as friends. later that night mike and i talked things out and decided we liked it better as friends, mostly because i was really starting to have feelings for a kid nebz (well his real name is john nebzydoski, but everyone calles him nebz). it was all good, and then juli and i were talking aobut things because we had both heard that nebz had a thing for me. he is a ngiht owl and i was going to bed (this was at 3am, a completley reasonable time) but juli was staying awake so she said she would talk to him after gabby (her friend from back home in jersey who came up to visit for a night) fell asleep since the three of them were going to watch a league of their own in julis room. well instead of figuring out where he stood with me, juli i dont kiss boys im not dating ended up hooking up with him for an hour and half. and then, the next afternoon after we had hung out all day, she said to me that she had hooked up with nebz and now she thinks she wants to date him, but that later that day they were going to talk things out. well that day is today, and she just tells me that she hooked up ewith him again. it doesnt really bother me that she hooked up with him, there is actually a guy here i would rather date, but she hasnt said anything about it to the extent of a least saying that she wasnt thinking, or that if she had remembered how much i liked him. now she says she doesnt like him, just making out with him. i apologized so much for bryan. i felt horrible about it. we talked forever about it. sort of after she hooked up with nebz. AND SHE STILL SAID HOW DISSAPOINTED SHE IS IN ME that i wouldnt remember her feelings fro bryan when im kissing him. well what about my feelings when shes kissing nebz? screw juli. screw scranton. im transferring. thats the end of it
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wow [Sep. 24th, 2006|12:36 am]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
[fromthe heart |confusedconfused]
[from the headphones |dusk and summer- dashboard]

okay so since im staying over in mccourt again i forgot my journal again also so im re updating this sort o f becaus im am also as confused as fuck again and its pretty not sweet. so basically i really like this kid mike cosgrove. like i like him a whole lot. its how i got over mike wolansky being a total ass and hooking up with marny. multiple times. but then this thursday he knew i wasnt reallyfeeling good at all and that i was really sick. but at 10 he had juli call me anyways and i was almost in bed and sleeping for the ngiht since i REALLY didnt feel good, but he still made me come over to help him study for spanish. i didnt really want to,but since i like him and since the last time i helped him, he actually paid attention and learned something, i thre a bra on and went over to help him. then i get there and he decides he doesnt want to study till 1. but he comes down to meet me and juli n the lounge a like 1030.but then bryan calls, and since it was his birthday he went ot the crew house to get incredibly drunk. and of course, he now cant walk and makes juli and mike come a bring him home, i dont go since im on crutches.then when juli and bryasn come back, mikes not with them, he went to get him and bryan fat bitches down at the meaner weiner. so he comes back finally and he and bryan spend forever eating their sandwiches. then the ra marc comes down and they areall consued with making bryan appear sober. then its almost one and i finally deicde to leave. and so im really mad at him now cause he never evenapoligized. but he doesnteven know why immad. and juli said i should talk to him but i dont want to so i dont know what i want to do. agian, i am confused
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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2006|02:31 pm]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
But five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar
And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I owe.. (you)
I got
Desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste the gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we know all the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home
I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Then you'll fall for every empty word I say
Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes your
demands
You laugh at every word, trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm gonna do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone
Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold in the shape of a heart
that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night
All the girls drink for free
I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Then you'll fall for every empty word I say
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AHHH [Sep. 11th, 2006|09:13 pm]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
[fromthe heart |scaredscared]
[from the headphones |world on fire- sarah maclachlan]

so i had my itunes on random cause i just neededthat random song that you here which just completes your day and dont forget to rember me comes on. and i started to cry. i cant believe i left things the way i did. i should have fixed things. i shouldnt have just left. i really shouldnt of. every one has every right for hatingme. ive been throwing myself into everything here at school hoping to find something that i dont just like and have fun with but something that can fill the void. i feel so incredibly incomplete. and theres nothing i can about it. nothing can fill the void. and its like its fixable. so im so incredibly lost.sureim doing what i need to for classes and such and the whole school part of school is going well. but all the other parts which college encompasses, for those alli do is smile and be my airheady self pretending that the reason im like is because there is nothing going on in my brain, not that im to scared to actually use my brain and discover what im really thinking. i really wish i could just roll back time and change my mind. not do what i did. fix it. realize that i knew all along and i was just to scared.to afraid of what would happen. cause i actually wanted it. and i was scared i would get hrt because it was to close to september.to close to not having enough time. but we could have had march, and april,may, june ,j uly, part of august. we could have gone from there. i didnt have to pretend to be clueless. and now its my defense mechanism. and im scared. just really scared. cause i still want it,i want to fix everything. and i know i could. by i wont. cause it owuld be to hard. it would envolve me actually t alking. im not good at that. i say what i need to when i need to and i get by. but if did, even if i did, there are over 3 hrs of distance in between us now and its not fair. not to him, not after everything he has waited for and how long he has. he desrves someone better, someone whose not afraid of what could happen between them, not afraid that they couldget to close only to have been ripped apart. someone who realizes that you can workthrough obstacles, you dont have to give up on them. someone like that. someone who sint me. but i know he wont. so i have no idea what to do. im just so scared.


"world's on fir, its more than i can handle"
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(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2006|07:55 pm]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
wow it has been so long since i worte in this. but since my roomate enjoyed reading my diary, i actually decided to resurect this because it is probably much safer. seeing as only the whole world cansee it lol. but college is absolutley amazing with only some slight drawbacks. F.I.R.S.T. was amazing, it was the best service expierence of my life and i met so many amazing people there that are now most deff my best friends. its also really cool because they share the same viewpoints and morals as i do. well, not the exact same seeing as a bunch of them are on their way to a prolife meeting and i am pretty much prochoice. but still. i had so much fun on the trip but still got to know tat what i was doing was legit helping people out and making their day easier. besides peinting the free library, i lvoed working at the day care center.everything has just pretty much been amazing, except for having the freaking craziest roomate ever. juli is awesome, we get along so great. as well as pretty much all of 2nd floor mccourt, if only my dorm was there lol but no, i get suck on suckass 4th floor mccormick. cura personalis, the faith based service club is so unbielivable. we havent really done too much yet, race for the cure was this morning but i was supposed to go with the exercise science club but yet didnt get an email so i slept. royal ambassadors is amazing, especially with gregjones, yes one word not two, heading it up, we get to do openhouses and stuff like that and starting second semester we can start to give tours which will be awesome. we also get to host people for royal ngihts. other than that i am also on the womens rugby team which is so freaking amazing, im getting into great shape again, and it is the best way to work out all of my frustrations. classes arent horrible, the only one that could be hard would be calculus, but math is second nature to me and on of my close guy friends, guiseppe, is in that class and he already took calculus so he promised to help me if i get lost or need it. cheerleading tryouts are tomorrow which im little afraid about since i hurt my foot pretty badly going up the stairs outside of the mccourt dorm but other than omg amazing. we, the girls in my group, had a pretty party today and got all dressed up and made up then we went to dinner and were going to go have a movie party night on the big screen tv in the lounge and pkay pool seeing as its raining up here again. but i will update later since the party is startttttiiiiiiiiing
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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2006|10:11 pm]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
[fromthe heart |contentcontent]
[from the headphones |unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield]

its so weird. im still the same, but im so different. i feel like i havent changed at all, yet if you look at me last week, i feel like im completely different. a person i thought i wouldnt be able to function without, i havent talked to in a week, and hardly notice it. i felt like she was my only firend, but not having her here makes me realize that i have tons of friends, and i just spent all my time wainting for her. so now i have a group of a coupe of friends, and i trust them just as much as her, its so weird. i only regret that i leave so soon, and i only realized some of these friends so recently. but i know i have friends waiting for me at scranton in the fall. its so weird, yet so comforting. i thought my life was shit, found out recently it really wasnt, and no im leaving again. my lifes a blank slate, no"freshman year" to hold me back. its fresh, mine for the taking.

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah
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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2006|12:09 am]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
i havent updated in so long and for somereason i just felt stricken to today. so i finally decided that im going to go to scranton next year. im so happy, but just to be getting out of lauralton and suburbia in general, somewhere where no one knows my sisters before they know me. i am sad to be leaving behind my mom and family however. im so used to seeing her everyday and having her be such a pivitol part in my life, its going to be a shock to not have her ot consult with. im not so sad to be leaving behind my friends though. i really have only one firend that im used to seeing every day who i will miss, but it hink it will be good for the two of us to not be together as much as we have been, it will probably spur less fights between us. everyone else, i communicate with more online than in person. my gymnastics buds that i see mons/weds are either quitting or graduating, so it owuldnt matter if i left or not. my finkel staus will probably be the same, hopefully with her being able to escape for more weekends to stay with me up at scranton, with coronas, smirnoff and friends. the person who i will probably miss the most is ironically shelby. i talk to her more in person and less online. and ive beocme close with her. and her only being a froshie and ot as trainliterate as finkel its less likely that she'll be able to come down and see me. shock. im also having the whole dad issue with graduation to work out. but thats later. it is currently 1230 in the morning so i am going to go to sleep and fill that later. buhbye
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(no subject) [Apr. 2nd, 2006|03:19 pm]
cos there's nothing else that i do well
[fromthe heart |groggytired / a tad hungover]
[from the headphones |tvision]

so basically this was the most amazing weekend ever. i officially ended all ties in a lingering relationship that just needed to die. and that was friday. then i finished writing my macbeth paper, which only had to be three pages. yet mine is 16. go figure. so that took forever, but i showered and straightened my hair so it would be all set for yesterday//today. so yesterday was like the epitomy of amazingness. seriously. first finkel was suppoesed to be here at like 9409, but then we were exhausted so she eneded up having her dad drive her down from darien and get here at 1145. then we went to the mall and ate lunch at panera with shelbz. and then we went dress shopping and first triend on real dresses then the retardiest ones we could find, which was hysterical. but then i found a graduation dress so it was worth it. then we walked around the mall and did some random shopping. we went into steve and barrys to try and buy the shortie tee for me BUT THEY DONT SELL EFFING XS OR XXS shirts, but they have XXXL??? no, america is soo not obese. but then we went out under the overhang outside the store and started jumping around like idiots, but we got some great pics. then so much fun in hot topic, they have the best tee shirts ever. including one that said lets get super sloppy in the sorry game motif, which was an awesome precursor of things to come. then after spencers, where i got 2 shotglasses, one for me that said i♥ sex which i s do and then one for court which said parental advisory explicit content and a bottle opener keychain which says this is my happiness opener. afterthat shelby's mom came to pick us up and drop me and court back oiff at my house. then at like 430 my mom and stepfather left for the casino, so court and i were alone untill 230 in the morning. so nicole came over for a bit and we got chinese food and friends dvds and that was cool. then after she left court and i busted out the log of frozen cookie dough, (orange + pineapple) soda, oreos, milanos, and all other FL memoribilia. so then we had planned on just having a smirnoff or to each just cause we could, but then we found like 23872423423498 coronas and kahluas in my garage so we ended up getting alot drunker than planned and it was really funny. cause then we were talking to people online and could barely see the keys, and court didnt exactly ralize how drunk she was so we went back for more. it was so much fun cuase then we like passed out at 2, jsut in time for the parentals to come back home with everything cleaned up and no evidence left behind. and then today we had to wake up at 7 inorder to get court to the 808 train. and then we left right for the quinnipiac accepted stu(NNNNN)dents day and that was amzing cuase i just didnt connect there, and i ODNT wanna live in over a triple, and 80% of the dorms are quads and there was no one out milling around the camopus just having fun. so it makes me realize that i really want to go to scranton, and that if i get drunk every night its ust one aspect ofmy life there and who knows, maybe the novelty of drinking will where off and i ujust wont want to do it any more. okay maybe not but one can drea. and besides, they do have liver transplants. im all good. so now o get to go to church. how fun
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